To Gretchen Evans
Soviet Union
2002

LYRICS
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get in the car if you want to be in the car
open the door if you want the door to be open
turn on the faucet if you want it to be on
be busta rhymes if you want to be busta rhymes

go to the bathroom if you want to take a crap
or go all over if you want to offend

fool your parents if you want your parents to be fooled
celebrate passover if you want to confuse people into thinking you're jewish
upset the mayor if you want the mayor to be upset
draw marilyn manson if you're bored if you want top draw marilyn manson if you're bored

stalk someone incredulously
if you want to impress them

[Chorus]
it's a challenge and a half
but this'll get you there, baby
it's a challenge and a half
but this'll get you there, baby

without candice make a stained glass window out of
clear snapple bottles but don't take the credit

unlatch the latch if you want the latch to be unlatched
let someone smash your head into the dartboard if you want someone to be allowed to smash your head into the dartboard
don't forget i want you if you want to not forget i want you
read a world war ii novel at your unenslaved easter reference if you want to read a world, uh-huh

[Chorus]
(during chorus) but she's my chinese hoar
(during chorus) ok, fuck, you know why i'm here? i'm here to make fucking money so i'm going to put my money in a fucking cake, you fucking...

dislocate your shoulder and buy some special equipment if you want to hook your ear to your elbow
slide your **** **** up your **** and speak with  a cadence
listen to billy joel's we didn't start the fire with your ass hanging out your back pocket
but that only is if you really want your ass hanging out your back pocket

see how much cotton you can put in your mouth before you see how much cotton you can feel with one toe